Tameera goes to Alagaesia
by Josatex
Summary: Don't worry, this isn't some 'loser teenager goes and becomes the next dragon rider' fic. There are far too many of those as it is. Tameera annoys people. T only because I'm a tad paranoid.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything recognizable. This goes for the whole story, so suck it up. I refuse to write this every freaking chapter.**

_Thoughts_

**Authors note**

Normal talking/actions.

**A/N:** **Okay, so here's the deal. You should read my other story, Fun ways to irk Inheritance characters, before reading this one but it isn't a requirement. Basically, I'll be doing what was on those lists in this story. I'll continue that one too, so don't worry about that. I'll do them all in order ex. Murtagh, then Angela, then Eragon, you get the idea. So, without further ado, here's the story**.

Tameera sighed.

"_What to do, what to do… Annoy my siblings, check, Finish every single video game in the house, check, Annoy my friends, check, Re-read all my books for the 4__th__ time, check, Annoy the characters in Inheritance, che...Wait a second."_

And with that, and a poof of blue smoke (do not forget that this is total nonsense), Tameera entered Alagaesia. Oh snap, this ought to be good.

**Let me get one thing clear before this begins. The time era is right after Brisingr and the characters are all in their respective places. Therefore, I suppose you could say this is my version of book 4. Whatever. On with the fic.**

Murtagh was peacefully skulking emo-ishly in a corner, when suddenly, with a large and cliché "BANG" and a whole lot of color changing smoke, a 13 year old girl with light brown hair and grey/blue eyes appeared, grinning nastily.

"Hiya Murty. I'm here to make your life a nightmare. See you around".

And with that and quite a bit more smoke she was gone, leaving behind an extremely confused, and slightly afraid Murtagh

Dye everything possible (hair, dragon, sword, clothing etc.), a hideously bright shade of neon pink. Or orange. Or purple. You get the idea.

Murtagh got up and started his normal morning routine. (Whatever that is because cp hasn't given us any insight on Murtagh but hey, ANYWAYS.)Walking across his room to the wardrobe, he opened it, fully expecting uniform black. Instead, his retinas were scarred by the sight of horribly bright neon. Everything was pink, orange, or an ugly shade of purple that he would NEVER wear. But he had to. And to make matters worse, each article of clothing was a different color. Therefore, Murtagh was forced to wear orange pants, a pink shirt, and purple boots.

As he came out of the room, he failed to notice that his hair was also green, a fact not lost on Tameera, who was waiting in the kitchen of uru'baen.

Tell him he's a depressed creepy traitor nobody likes. Watch him either crumple in despair or turn into a spaz.

"MURTAGH! You traitorous scum! The varden helped you, how could you do this to them?" she yelled as he slunk into the room. Naturally, this had some affect. Tameera watched in interest as he turned a shade of red to envy Vernon dursley.

*One enormous tantrum that involved much ranting later*

3. If he has a spaz, wait until he's finished and then nod slowly. Say "yes, you definitely need anger management counseling" and walk away.

Murtagh watched, shocked, as Tameera left the room humming something that sounded suspiciously like banana phone.

4. Get thorn to run away and laugh at the murtys reaction. (I'll just let you imagine that scenario)

Tameera walked into wherever they kept the dragons. She couldn't wait to see the coolest dragon in Alagaesia! There, yawning in the corner was Thorn. Without a second thought, Tameera walked right up to him and said/thought"_Want to play a prank on Murty?" _

She watched with some amusement as the ruby dragon jumped up and hit its head on the ceiling. After introductions were made, it turned out thorn would be happy to help. Nobody really came near him and he was really bored. Poor thorn.

After reassuring him that she'd get him a dead cow as soon as possible, Thorn flew somewhere far away and Tameera, snickering to herself, went back inside, probably to do something horrible that I really shouldn't mention. Ahem. Anyways… 2 Hours later, Murty was heard screaming "where the #%#%^^& is my $%%#-ing dragon!

5. Call him Murty relentlessly.

"Hey murty, I like your hair." said Tameera cheerfully. Murtagh had finally noticed his hair, and, needless to say, was not pleased.

"Go away"

"But Murty, I'm your friend! Don't be so mean to your friends Murty!"

"Are you the devil?"

"I don't think I should answer that Murty"

"Please stop calling me that" .

"Why Murty? Don't you like your name?"

(Insert sobbing here)

**A/N: Well, how was it? And I'm fully aware that this is a lot like The One Called Demetra's fanfiction, but she deleted that, so I thought I'd fill in the gap created by it. I really liked that fanfiction, just for the record.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Whee, here goes the second chapter! The first one had to be revised, so I wrote this one as well! Oh, you lucky people!**

**6.** Go up to him, slap him and say "I can't believe you cheated on me! It's over Murtagh!" Burst out in tears as well.

"Murty, how could you do this to me? I thought what we had was special!"

Murtagh was jolted out of his whatever-he-was-doing by the shrill sound of Tameera's voice.

"Wait…what?"

"Don't pretend! You know exactly what I'm talking about!"

As you can probably guess, he didn't.

"B-but… But… What?"

"Oh, just forget it you two-timing jerk! We are so over!"

Bursting into tears and giving him a rather stinging slap, she poofed off in a cloud of sickly green smoke, once again leaving behind an extremely confused Murty.

7. Poke him and don't give any explanation.

Poke.

"Do you want something Tameera?" grumbled Murtagh.

She simply grinned at him and poked him again.

"What!"

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

**(This goes on for a long time, so I won't bore you with the details. Suffice to say Murty had a bit of a breakdown. Again.)**

8. Make him watch the Eragon movie. I don't think I need to elaborate on that.

"Hey, hey Murty!"

"Go away."

"Only if you watch something reaaally cool."

"You promise to go away?"

"…Sure."

Ha, the sap! He really believed her!

9. Lock him in a room full of crazed fangirls. Inform them they can do whatever they like with him.

"Murty, some really nice people want to see you."

He groaned, sounding like a kindergarten kid who didn't want to eat his veggies.

"Do I have to?"

"Unless you want me to do something so horrible you can't even contemplate it, yes."

"Fine"

And with that, she led him to a large, steel, locked door.

"Do I even want to know about the scary door?"

"Probably not."

Without any warning she threw open the door and pushed him into the pit that was in the

room. Now, pits on their own aren't very nice, but when they're filled almost to the top

with screaming fan girls…nope, not good at all.

10. In a public place, point at him and yell at the top of your lungs "EEEEK! It's Morzan's son! Everyone flee!"

"W-what?"

(Several hundred people): "EEEEEE! TRAITORUS SCUM!"

"Why me?"

"Why, I'm so very glad you asked that."

It was Tameera.

"Oh god, not you. Anything but that"

"Why are you so mean? Gosh Murty..."

"Go away"

"Meaner."

"GO AWAY!"

"Fine."

You'll notice she didn't promise to stay away.

**A/N: Meh, an okay chapter I guess. Please review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Out of ****curiosity****, does anyone ever actually read my authors notes? Well, on with the show, as the obscenely cliché saying goes.**

11. Spread *odd* rumors about him. (E.g., that he has a Barbie doll called Stacy. Whom he kisses frequently.)

Walking down one of the probably endless halls of Uru'baen, our dear friend Murty, (insert evil laughter here,) was completely anonymous to the giggling servants crowding around him at a distance. That is, until Tameera, with yet more sparkly, multi-coloured smoke, popped up unexpectedly.

"Gah! What are you doin- ….Don't answer that, I don't want to know."

"Oh, I'm not doing anything right now, other than making you aware of them," she said with a smirk, while pointing at the paralyzed-with-laughter servants.

"Huh? What about them?"

Rolling her eyes, the hopefully not mary-sue-ish teenager sighed in exasperation.

"Well, it's not exactly normal for them to be rolling on the floor laughing, is it?"

"Um, no, but why are you pointing this out to….." Murty trailed off, looking simultaneously terrified and curious.

"What did you tell them?"

"The truth, of course."

"And what, in your mind anyways, is the truth?"

"Okay, since this conversation is getting boring and awkward, _**ask them yourself**_!" She yelled that last part while disappearing. She disappeared for a very good reason too, because almost immediately, Murty stormed over to the nearest servant and demanded to know what was so funny. The bewildered and angry rider did **not** like the answer.

12. Call him an emo and don't tell him what it means.

"Do you cut your wrists?"

Murty was startled out of reading some random book by this very odd question.

"What kind of question is that!"

"One I asked," she replied smugly.

"Urgh! Murtagh- oops, I meant Murty-Groaned, banging his head against a conveniently located wall. "Why, why, why, why does my life suck so much!"

"Hah!" Tameera yelled triumphantly. "I knew it! Self-harm and depression! You are an emo! I win that bet with Brittany!"

Murty snapped out of his obviously emo misery long enough to ask what it was. Do you really think she would actually tell him?

13. Call him Darth Vader and hum the Imperial march whenever he enters a room or talks or eats or does anything at all.

Do I really need to describe that scenario?

14. Tell everyone that he's really a girl.

The first thing Murty noticed when he woke up the next morning was that the servants were whispering again, while casting furtive looks in his direction. (Tameera's arrival and many antics had taught him to notice these things.)

Naïve as ever, he walked right over to the nearest group, steeling himself.

"Um, hello?"

Bad idea.

15. Stalk him while humming mission impossible music. Hide badly whenever he turns around.

"Tameera? I can see you over there."

"No, you can't!" She yelled loudly.

"Yes actually, I can. What are you doing this time?"

"You lie! And like I'm going to tell you what I'm doing," She snorted in contempt.

"I'm just going to leave now…."

(10 minutes later)

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing!"

16. Tell him about his hundreds of fan clubs

"Want to hear something cool?"

It was Her.

"No I don't. I still remember the last time I received 'something cool' from you. Now go away."

"Ah well, sucks for you, cause I'm gonna tell you anyway."

17. Introduce him to the horrors of fanfiction. Watch him go stark raving mad after two or three hours of this.

I don't think this one needs any elaboration either.

**A/N: How was it? Please tell me what you think.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: One thing I'm really afraid of is that I'm making Tameera into a Mary-Sue. I DO NOT WANT THAT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! I need you people to tell me if you find her even remotely sue-ish! Anyway, here is the fourth chapter. Enjoy.**

18. Call him a vampire and attempt to ward him off with garlic. His reaction should be caught on video as blackmail material.

"Do you sparkle in the sunlight?" Tameera was back.

(insert enormous sigh here) "No, you little parasite, I do not", replied Murty through clenched teeth.

"It's not okay to call people parasites you know. Is that just a cover up for your gay, sparkly, vampire-ness?"

"Why are you even asking me this?"

"So I can stab you through the heart with a wooden stake."

Well, this is certainly awkward.

"…Ah. O-okay then. I'm just going to, um, go over here."

19. When he tries to kill you, which he will, point behind him and scream "oh look, it's the Varden!"

"What? Where?"

The depressed vampire, (cough), I mean dragon rider, looked wildly around for the rebel group. Hah, he was probably looking for Nasuada, the loser. He _totally _has a crush on her. Have I mentioned how glad I am that he can't read these notes?

20. Hit him with a stick continuously.

WHAP!

"What the (censored because of this story's rating) was that for!"

Murty was once again yelling at Her. Why does he even try?

WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!

"Bad language, Murty! Tameera snickered in that totally trademark evil way. "Very bad indeed!"

"*Sob*"

21. Pimp thorn.

Suffice to say, this episode included yet another hysterical mental breakdown, a pink, blue, and yellow dragon, and, of course, Tameera. Hey, I'm here till Thursday!

22. Tell galby that Murtagh has a large crush on him. Elaborate on this by sending galby letters with Murtagh's name on them, each pronouncing his undying love and devotion to galby. This'll start some rumors all right.

"Um, Murty, can I talk to you for a moment?" The king of Alagaesia was beckoning to Murty from a random doorway.

"My name is Murtagh! What the *once again censored* do you want?"

"Well, it's about these letters I've been getting from you…."

"Letters? What letters?" A horrid thought occurred to him. "Did Tameera put you up to this?"

"I don't know who Tameera is, **(oh, he'll know soon enough, mwahahaha!), **but these letters are addressed from you."

Baldy, oops, I mean Galbatorix, held up a large sheaf of hot pink letters, covered in hearts and fancy handwriting.

"I've never seen those before in my life."

"But some maid, she appeared in a cloud of multi-coloured smoke, told me an… interesting rumour."

"Wait, did you say smoke?"

"Yes…."

"TAMEERA!"

23. Mis-pronounce / mis-spell his name. This should be easy.

"Heya, Mootagh!"

"Nooooo!"

"What's wrong Murtig?"

"GO AWAY!"

"Hah, fine Maztag. But, I shall return, Murtat, so don't cry over me too much."

"Y-you're leaving?"

"I'm afraid so, Nantag."

"I don't believe it."

"You shouldn't."

And with that, and even more smoke, she was gone... ha, JK!

**A/N: Hah, that should keep him paranoid for a couple months. Yay, I've successfully irked one character to the edge of insanity! Next up, Angela…**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi. I finally decided to update, you lucky people! Here's the first installation of Angela's irking! I decided to make it so she does all this stuff voluntarily (to a certain extent...), cause she is my absolute fav character and I don't want her to end up like Murtagh, who is currently hiding in a corner crying his eyes out. Poor guy. *cough***

**ANYWAYS, here's the fic.**

Tameera grinned to herself, thinking of the ways to drive Angela off the deep en-….

Oh crap.

There was a large gaping hole in this plan. That hole was composed of the fact that Angela was already off the deep end and just as crazy, if not more so, than Tameera. Tameera, being at the aforementioned level of sanity, had completely forgotten about this fact up until about 1 second ago. Thus, she had no plan for irking her as she stood outside the herbalist's tent, which, incidentally, was bright purple. How awesome is that? How often do you see a purple tent?

(Cough)

Sorry, getting off topic.

Without a second thought, Tammy went into the violet interior and introduced herself as The-Person-Bound-On-Making-Alagaesia-A-Crazier-Place-Starting-With-You. The authoress, of course, appeared with the typical bang and multicoloured smoke/sparkly stuff.

1. Get her to give a long, unrepeatable, speech that lasts a long time. Then pretend you didn't hear her and ask her to repeat it.

"Well, I must say, this is quite an unexpected development. Technically, the entire land of Alagaesia cannot reach the current level of sanity myself and, apparently, you are at. Also….." She went on and on.

20 minutes later

Tammy smiled sweetly and did exactly what was on the list.

2. Inform her that neither toads nor frogs exist. They are both really, truly turtles! This will drive her up the wall!

"Hey, Angie, I have a theory to run by you. You know how toads are really frogs? Well, I've unearthed ground-shattering evidence. They are both, believe it or not, turtles."

3. Scream ,"watch out for ferrets" constantly. Preferably at the top of your voice during inoppurtune moments.

"OMG, watch out!"

Angela jumped a foot in the air. Hey, come to think of it, how DO you jump a foot in the air? Do you just hold a foot one foot off the ground? Whatever. English is a screwed language anyway….

"What do you want, Tameera?"

Holy crap, how does she know my name! I never told her! She stalked me! Stalker! …..Then again, I have stalked Murty, so I suppose I'm a bit of a hypocrite. Crap, I'm off topic again.

"Um, what was it… Oh yeah. WATCH OUT FOR FERRETS!"

"Gee, thanks."

I do believe I may be getting to her.

4. Ask her why she doesn't ride a broomstick or cackle. Say she isn't a real witch, just a pretender.

"Hey, Angie."

"Yeeeeees", Angela responded, sounding vaguely annoyed.

"You're a witch, right?" The crazy authoress asked innocently.

"Well, of course!" The self-proclaimed witch replied smugly.

Tammy peered about expectantly. "But if you are a witch, what the flip happened to your broomstick?"

"My what?"

Now she sounded genuinely bewildered.

This was going to take some time.

5. Ask her just how old she is.

All right, no kid should **ever** ask an adult this question, so just imagine. Plus, she'd probably turn me into a toad, sorry, frog, oops, turtle, WHATEVER. And you wouldn't like that, would you? Right?** RIGHT? **

**A/N: Please review! Or I'll send llama's after you!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hey. For once, I got nothing to say. On w/ the fic!**

6. Hide solembum and tell her the ferrets got him.

Angela walked along the slight track between the tents of the Varden with a slight frown on her face. Naturally, this is about when our protagonist appeared in a-

Okay, stop, stop, stop. Let's just automatically assume that whenever Tameera appears she does so in a poof of smoke. It saves me a bit of typing, and after 5 chapters I think you all get it. Well, as fun as it is explaining things to you all, let's get on with it.

"Hello Angie. Lost something?" Tameera was trying her best to look innocently curious. And failing miserably.

"Why yes, how'd you kn-… give him back."

"Whatever are you talking about? I am affronted you would even accuse me of such a thing! The indignity of it all! You have no proof anyways!" Tameera exclaimed indigently.

"How do you know I have no proof?"

"Um… lucky guess?"

"Suuuuuure. Give him here now."

"But I don't have him!" Tameera whined, "The ferrets do!"

Insert stunned silence here.

7. Blackmail her into poisoning Eragon. Or Nasuada.

"I can save him from the ferrets if you do something for me though." Tameera said smugly.

Angela sighed. She knew fully well she'd never find her werecat if Tameera didn't want him found. She only hoped she wouldn't have to kill anyone to get Solembum back. Blackmail sure sucks, don't it? "What do you want me to do?"

The purely evil smile Tammy gave Angela made the herbalist think twice about her decision.

8. Get her bitten by a mad rabbit. Claim it was an accident. Even though you stuffed her pockets full of carrots.

Angela was just realizing her pockets were full of root vegetables when a horde of what appeared to be foaming-at-the-mouth bunny rabbits came hopping sinisterly towards her. Instantly, the witch screamed and ran. Alas, to no avail. They caught up with her just ten feet from her super cool tent. Angela failed to see Tameera snickering in the shadow of the aforementioned tent.

Of course, the rabbits wouldn't really hurt her, only scare her. Tammy didn't want any lasting harm to come to her favourite character, no matter how entertaining it would be. All they'd do was give her one single bite, just enough to make her freak out a bunch. Besides, they weren't really rabid. The foam was toothpaste.

9. Tell her Solembum has a crush on her and wants to ask her out. (Her reaction will produce good blackmail material!)

"Hey, Angie. I have a secret to tell you."

"Will it leave me emotionally scarred for life?" the herbalist asked this in an irate, long-suffering voice.

"Define, 'emotionally scarred'", Tameera said innocently.

"Okay, okay. What is it?" Angela knew fully well that the completely mad teenager would tell her anyways, regardless of whether she wanted to hear it or not.

Snickering unpleasantly, Tameera told her.

"WHAT! I'LL KILL THAT CAT!"

"But he loves you…."

"STAY OUT OF THIS!"

"Okay. Try not to cause any unnecessary deaths or injuries."

10. Lock her in a room with tenga.

"Angela, can you come here for a moment?"

**A/N: I think I forgot some of Murty's reactions! I **_**just**_** realized this, and I'm soooo sorry! As soon as I'm done with Angie, I'll get back to Murty! Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a porcupine in my eye. Ouch… poor porcupine.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sorry for the wait, here's Angela's next irking.**

11. In a game of knucklebones, cheat her out of three buttons and a rather interesting shard of crystal.( Brisingr, pg. 166)

"What? How did you win? I was cheating and everything!" Angela yelled at Tameera, who was sitting there with a smug look on her face.

"Has it occurred to you that I may have been not playing by the rules as well?"

Angela was quiet for a moment. "Why you little b-"

Sensing danger, Tameera quickly exited. Stage right, if you please.

12. Bribe Elva into irritating Angela whenever Angela tries to control her.

"Hey, Elva" Tameera beckoned to the witch-child from the shadows of a random, but conveniently located nevertheless, tent.

"Yes?" Elva looked bored with life.

"I'll give you a lollipop if you annoy Angela for me" Now, very few people know about Elva and lollipops. The thing is, the poor kid has a complete obsession with them. She will do **anything** for lollipops.

A hungry gleam entered the kid's eyes. "Lollipops?"

"Yes. I'll give you one now and 3 when you're finished. Deal?" Tameera held out a big-as-a-slice-of-bread, multi-coloured lollipop.

"Deal!" with that, the young girl snatched the lollipop and ran off to find Angela. Mayhem ensued. Needless to say, Tameera was proud and Elva got her 3 additional lollipops.

13. Force feed her earwax and roasted cabbage.

"Oh Angie" Tameera sang out, "I have a deal for you!"

"What?" the herbalist's frown deepened when she saw Tameera standing outside her tent smiling evilly.

"Tell me, do you want these blowing around Alagaesia?" with that, Tameera held up a sheaf of photos.

Angela grabbed them and let out a shriek of horror. "You wouldn't!"

"Oh, but I would."

"What do you want this time?"

"I want you to eat this" Tameera held up a clay bowl filled with what seemed to be earwax and roasted cabbage.

14. Steal some of her various herbs and stuff to make a salad. Give the probably poisonous salad to Nasuada; telling her Angela made it just for her.

Tameera smiled to herself. Breaking into Angela's tent has been child's play! After that, all she had had to do was grabbing some random plants (with gloves on of course) and put them in a stylish bowl for Nassy.

Ah, how she loved being a menace and threat to all!

Bowing badly, Tameera walked up to the leader of the Varden

"My lady, I have approached you with a humble tribute. Please accept this token of Angela the Herbalist's gratitude" Yeah, I think we've established that Tameera fails when it comes to manners.

15. Come crying and screaming to her. When you finally tell her what's wrong, say "I got a paper cut", and burst into a fresh bout of tears.

I do not think this requires any explanation, do you?

**A/N: How was it? The pictures were photoshopped, if you're wondering. They were of Angela kissing Solembum. Can you say "EWWWWWWW"?**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Pardon the wait. I've been really busy.**

15. Play monopoly with her and cheat constantly.

"What? How could _you_ win?" Angela shrieked in rage as Tameera looked smugly at the gameboard.

"You sound so surprised. One would almost think you expected to win no matter what."

"Urrrrgh! You cheated!"

"Did not!" Tameera smiled to herself, knowing fully well how long this could go on.

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

**-3 hours later-**

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did too!"

"Did not! Wait…. Oh, you little sh-"

16. Get her to do some difficult magic. As soon as she's done go up to king Orrin screaming "the witch is casting evil magic! Burn her! Off with her head!" Make sure you run screaming this throughout the entire Varden.

Angela looked up from her potion book, hearing a commotion outside.

'_Roran probably killed someone important'_ She thought to herself boredly. A few minutes later she heard what they were saying.

17. Introduce her to Fanfiction!

"Read this." Angela was tied to a computer chair in front of, believe it or not, a computer.

"What are the consequences this time?"

"Drunken iguanas. They also have water guns."

"I'll read it."

**-3 hours later-**

"My eyes! They burn! The horror, the shippings, the extremely bad romance, the pain, the plotholes!" Angela was curled up on the computer chair, twitching and rocking back and forth (despite being tied up… hmmm… do not ask me how she accomplished this. It's probably one of those plotholes) "That was the worst thing you've ever done to me!" Angela groaned in pain.

Tameera rolled her eyes. "Do you really believe that?"

18. Pester her constantly about her life.

"How old are you? Did you ever get married? Are you a half-elf like the million pet theories claim on ? What's the relation between you and Solembum the Werecat? Do you like rhubarb pie? Have you ever eaten any young children by trapping them in a house made of gingerbread?"

19. Force her to read twilight,( The absolute worst book on the planet! Come and get me you rabid fan girls!). After 2 chapters she'll be completely insane.

"Read it."

"O-okay"

**-3 hours… seriously, do I really need to put this here?-**

"Oh fudge, I think I may have killed her. Shoulda known that would happen…Anyways, I had better bring her back" Tameera grabbed a Majickal lime green zen mp3 and pressed several random buttons. On the floor, Angela twitched and stood up.

"Oh good cod" **(I said 'cod' on purpose, before I get any reviews claiming I suck at English and should go jump in a fast moving river. I don't really want to offend any devout christians any more than I already have)** "What just happened?"

Tameera actually showed some compassion. That was when she said something she had never and probably never would do again.

"Sorry"

The world stopped spinning that day.

**A/N: I really have nothing to say. :P**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Crap, I need to update more often. I'm sorry for the wait, don't hurt me, blah, blah, blah. You know the drill. Aaaaaaaaaand...BEGIN.**

21. Tell her she's a fictional character based on the author's sister. She'll _love_ that.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, guess what Angela"

"What?" She sounded tired. Whatever could have accomplished that…?

"Did you know that you and this entire world are the figments of a 15 year old's imagination?"

"What the hell? Okay, you cannot seriously expect me to believe that."

Tameera pulled out a book with a blue dragon on the front.

22. Interrupt her in the middle of one of her obscenely long talks.

Angela was walking along the path between the tents, speaking with grim tones to Nasuada. It was probably some vitally-important-information that could affect the entire Varden and possibly Alagaesia. I think we all know what happened next.

"Nasuada, did you know Angela-"

Angela quickly tackled Tameera, holding a hand to her mouth as Nasuada stood by with a puzzled expression.

23. Make something blow up in her tent.

As Angela crept along the shadows, on the lookout for our protagonist (if you can call her that), she heard a sudden 'KABOOM'. As she turned around in horror, she caught a glimpse of a distant mushroom cloud rising from the area her tent was located.

"Nooooooooooooooooooo!"

Tameera chose this instant to appear. Seeing Angela staring with her mouth open, she nodded her head in satisfaction. "I do believe my work here is done."

**And now, back to Murty! As I mentioned earlier, I forgot a few ( about 10 of them, actually), of his irkings, so I'll do a couple of them now! I'll do two every couple chapters or so, just to keep him on his toes.**

Murtagh:

24. Call magic "The Force"

Murtagh was doing…something when She came back. 

"Hello Murty. Did you miss me?"

Murtagh the Red Rider fainted dead away. "Hmmm, I'll take that as a yes. May the Force be with you, Murty!" with that, she poofed away to whatever foul place she lives.

25. Tell him that Eragon's hotter than him and he has no fans and everyone wants him to jump out a window.

"Hello Murty, I'm here to tell you that everyone loves your not-evil half brother more than you! Also, everyone wants you to jump out a window! Have a spectacular day!"

Murtagh blinked. "Wait, what was that about him being my _half_ brother?"

Tameera smacked herself. "Dammit, I wasn't supposed to tell you that! Um…" she waved a hand in front of his face. "You will forget what I just said"

"What the hell, Tameera!"

"Oh, screw this" she muttered. Tameera started to wave her hand in front of his face but just ended up smacking him in the forehead, causing instant unconsciousness. "Man, Obi-Wan was full of crap."

**A/N: Yay, Angela will be left alone from now on.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hey y'all, now that school's started I'll probably have more self-discipline, thus forcing myself to update more frequently. Anyway, we're finally onto Eragon.**

Eragon had just gotten back from scouting the perimeter (or something like that…it was probably something vital, yet entirely irrelevant to this plot). As he walked to his tent, Saphira mentally chatting with him, a young girl stepped out in front of him.

She was regular looking by most standards- average build, mousy brown hair, slightly odd clothes- but there was something about her that made Eragon involuntarily step back a pace. He vaguely recalled seeing her hovering around Angela for the past couple weeks, and he remembered what mayhem had besieged the Herbalist during that time period.

He took another step back.

"Hello, I'm Tameera. I'm here to drive you to insanity." Tameera grinned evilly at him.

Eragon then did what most sensible people would do. He ran like bloody hell.

1. Tell him that Selina isn't his real mother. His real mother is Angela.

"Hello Eragon, O-hope-of-the-Varden-and-all-Alagaesia! What are you doing today?"

Eragon blinked and muttered something that sounded an awful lot like 'Keeping away from you at all costs'. But he couldn't have said that, cuz everyone knows that Tameera is the most kind, generous, trustworthy- … (_Narrator bursts out laughing and is unable to continue, as they are currently in the hospital. Still laughing) _

"Hm, sounds fun. I think I'll ruin your day now by telling you a horrible secret you could have gone your entire life without hearing! Awesome, right?"

"…Wait…What!"

She told him. He cried.

2. Make him watch the Eragon movie. (Also, ask him how he kept his hair completely perfect in the middle of battles and fights.)

"I have something you might want to watch, Eragon."

"Will it leave me emotionally scarred for life?"

"Um…Define 'emotionally scarred for life'…."

3. Melt down his sword, Brisingr, and remold it into hideous earrings. Or wind chimes, for the creative ones out there.

"Tameera! What the hell did you do?"

"I made you a pair of earrings, of course. What does it look like?"

"It _looks_ like a metal sculpture threw up on some ear-hooks. Also, I spent hours making that sword!"

"I know, I know, I read all about it. It was the most boring thing I've ever read."

"Ever read…?"

"OH CRAP, SPOILER, SPOILER, AVERT YOUR EYES!"

"I…Tameera…What?"

Tameera promptly knocked him unconscious.

4. Point and laugh at him whenever he walks by and don't give any explanation for your behavior.

"Hahahaha! Heeheeheehee!"

"May I ask what amuses you so?"

"Heheheheheheh! Hohohohohoho!"

"Shut up!"

"Eeheeheeheeheehee! Hahahahahaaaa!"

"Arrrgh! Why, you little **censored-**ing piece of **censored!** I said shut the **censored** up!"

"Teehee."

Eragon tried to drown himself in a nearby bucket of water.

5. Call him a Gary stu and snicker when he asks you what it means.

"Hey Gary stu. How are you?"

"What's a 'Gary Stu'?

"I just made a rhyme, isn't that fine?"

"Yeah, sure, but can you tell me exactly what it is you're talking about?"

"Do you want to know, I don't think so?"

"Yes, I do want to know!"

"You lie, you lie, I hope you die!"

"…You enjoy this, don't you?"

"It's about time you caught on, I was scared I'd have to rhyme all day long!"

**A/N: Heehee, that rhyming part was fun, even if I'm absolute rubbish at it.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Here comes another chapter, doo-dee-doo. **

6. Run through the Varden camp screaming "Look out, it's Galbatorix! Everyone run!" When Eragon comes out of his tent dressed for battle yell "haha, punked you!", and run for your life.

"Dammit Tameera! Eragon was trying to chase after the teenager while covered in cumbersome, heavy armor. And, believe it or not, he was failing spectacularly.

"Look, look, it's Thorn and Mutry" She pointed behind him. And he fell for it.

"WHERE? Hey, where'd they go….awww…crap"

7. Call him Luke and ask him what happened to his lightsaber.

"Hiya Luke, is the force with you today?"

"…Not that I'm aware of…"

"Look out, Murty, I mean, Vader is right behind you! Use your lightsaber to cut him in half!"

"I don't have a lightsaber… And I don't know anyone called Vader…"

"Suuuuure Luke…."

"Stop calling me that."

8. Sneak up to him and say in a creepy, low voice, "Luke, I am your Father"

Tameera snuck through the Camp, dodging sentries and torchlight. She, of course, tripped several times. The amount of noise caused was multiplied a whole lot by the heavy, cumbersome Darth Vader suit she wore.

After some not-quite-suitable-for-the-rating-on-this-fic swearing, Tameera finally made it to her victim's tent. She snuck up to his head and, using the voice modifier, whispered her evil into his ear.

"Luke, I am your Father" Tameera barely kept herself from laughing out loud as he rolled off the bed and started swearing, much like she had a few moments ago.

"Stop calling me that! I don't know anyone called Luke! Why do you keep calling me that?"

For an answer, she gave him Star Wars Episodes 4, 5, and 6 in book form.

9. Tell Arya Eragon thinks she looks fat in leather. Watch in the shadows as she goes over to Eragon and gives him hell.

"Hey, Mary-Sue" Arya looked up in annoyance at the human girl standing in front of her.

"What do you want?" she sounded faintly irritated. Good. That means Tameera's doing her job properly.

"I want to ruin Eragon's chances of ever getting paired up with you!"

"…What?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing at all. Other than the fact Eragon thinks you look like a sumo wrestler in that leather. In other words, he thinks you're fat"

"**WHAT? I'LL FREAKING KILL HIM!"**

10. Make him read fan fictions relentlessly. Linger for a while on all the shipping speculations.

Eragon was sitting in his tent bemoaning his fate, (as per normal), when suddenly a large net fell on him and something whacked him over the head with a baseball bat. I think we all know what happened. When he came to, he was tied to a chair, much like Angela in one of the previous chapters.

He had the exact same reaction, too.

**A/N: Oh my god, I'm so sorry for not updating!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: The third installment of Eragon's volunteering… well; it kind of depends on how you define volunteering. :)**

11. Paint Saphira orange.

Tameera snuck through the camp (she seems to do this a lot, doesn't she?) and reached a large, snoring reptile. Shaking her head at Eragon's lack of care for his dragon, she rapidly began to slop painfully bright orange paint onto the dragon's iridescent blue scales.

Reaching Saphira's face, she failed to check if the dragon was asleep or not still. Baaad idea.

_WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?_

"Um… Modern art?"

Saphira grabbed her. Tameera complained loudly. "Ow, ow, ow, I have a sore back! And I'm allergic to scales! And I don't like heights!"

_Shut up, or I'll eat you._ She shut up. Even Tameera didn't want a dragon to be angry with her. Saphira was, oddly enough, the only character in Alagaesia Tameera was afraid of. (ZOMG, the world just exploded again!) Thus, it was not very good that she'd been caught painting her orange. Not good at all.

_Well? What in the name of god were you doing?_

"Painting you orange."

_No, you little smart-a**, I meant why were you doing it?_

"You should have been more precise," Tameera grumbled. Saphira glared at her. "Okay, okay, I was doing it to weird Eragon out. Happy?"

Saphira promptly dropped her.

_Quite. Why didn't you tell me what you were doing in the first place? He's so annoying._

12. Tell Eragon that you saw Arya kissing Vanir. This should start some interesting rumors.

"You saw her doing what? How could she? _I thought she loved meeee!"_

The mighty dragon rider sat down and started bawling like a two-year old as Tameera muffled her laughter and slunk away, most likely to tell Roran, Nasuada and several other important people who would take interest in this. Blackmail material should never be wasted.

13. Show him the multiple fan clubs and all that junk on the internet.

"Wheee! Guess what time it is, Eragon?"

"Stop talking like a Treehouse TV show hostess. It's creepy beyond all words."

"Whatever. Anyway, it's computer time!"

"…(whimper)"

14. Lock him in a room with several fan girls and Arya. Videotape the outcome for blackmail material (which should never be wasted!).

"Eragon… Who're these girls?"

"ZOMG, IT'S ERAGON SHADESLAYER! WE LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH! WE'RE YOUR BIGGEST FANS! EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US HAS A HUUUUUUUUUGE SHRINE IN OUR ROOMS DEVOTED TO YOU! WE WORSHIP THE GROUND YOU WALK ON AND WILL DO ANYTHING YOU TELL US TO DO! EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOUR LOVE!"

Several dozen screeching teenage girls got down on their knees and bowed before an awkward looking Eragon. Luckily, none of them had noticed an extremely pissed-off looking Arya yet. They probably would've disemboweled her horribly. She might have some influence in the Fourth Book, and I for one, don't want her killed.  
Yet.

15. Call him Frodo!

"Frodo, Frodo, we have to go drop the Ring in Mount Doom in order to destroy Sauron's evil reign! Come on!"

"Tameera… have you lost your mind?"

"Yep! Oops, I mean, who's Tameera? I'm Sam, and I worship the ground you walk on!"

"So… you're a fan girl."

**A/N: I need to update more often. You can harp on me in the reviews for it.**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I'm not even going to apologize for how late this chapter is, because all of you are probably going to slaughter me, regardless of how many times I say sorry. (Sorry X Google earth and infinity and beyond!)**

**Anyways, to the chapter.**

16. Whenever he's talking to Saphira or someone else in his mind, pat him on the shoulder and whisper "Eragon, the Voices do not exist."

Eragon scrunched up his face and concentrated, trying to find Saphira. Finding her, he smiled briefly and started having a mental conversation. Haha, get it, _mental _conversation? I made a pun! I'm a freaking genius! You're probably all laughing your butts off now, aren't you?

…

Wait.

…

Never mind. Anyway, back to topic.

Eragon had just started explaining his unimportant plan to Saphira (who was now half-asleep) when Tameera jumped up from behind him and put her hands over his eyes.

"Guess Who!" she screeched.

"The spawn of Satan."

Tameera shrugged. "Close enough. Whatcha doin'?"

"Talking to Saphira."

"Really? Where is she?"

"In my head. Okay, I probably could've phrased that better…"

Tameera's eyes grew huge as her voice went quieter. The quiet voice freaked Eragon out much more than the previous screeching.

"You hear voices in your head?"

"Uh… yeah?"

She patted him sympathetically on the shoulder.

"Eragon, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the voices do not exist. I'm sorry," she sure as heck didn't sound sorry.

"But…." He sighed in defeat. "Never mind."

17. Dye his hair pink with sparkles.

18. Get everyone to call him princess Sparklestuff.

"ARRRRRGH! MY HAIR! GODDAMMIT TAMEERA!"

"What makes you so very sure I did it?"

"BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IN ALAGAESIA IS THIS MESSED UP!"

"Hypocrite. At least I'm not hearing voices in my head, am I, Princess Sparklestuff?"

"What… did you just call me…"

"It's your new name. I even managed to forge a birth certificate with that name for you."

"We don't have birth certificates in Alagaesia."

"Really? Damn. I guess I wasted 20 minutes of my life."

Nasuada chose this time to enter their argument.

"Hey Princess Sparklestuff, I love your hair."

"!"

19. Carve "Eragon and Angela love each other" in the menoa tree.

Tameera dodged around a tree, barely missing an elf. She was dressed up as a ninja, (but she still thought pirates are cooler! Go pirates of the Caribbean!) and slunk along the ground awkwardly. She looked like a bloated, almost-dead snake. I'll bet I just gave you a beee-utiful mental picture just there, didn't I?

She finally reached her target. Getting out a small pocket knife she quickly carved 'Eragon Shadeslayer hearts Angela the Herbalist' into the hard bark. Finishing her graffiti, she turned around to see several dozen elves just standing there and glaring at her with bloody murder in their eyes.

"Oshit."

20. Hi-jack Saphira.

Suffice to say Saphira went eagerly and Eragon was freaking out in his normal way.

**AND NOW FOR SOME MURTY IRKING! WHOOOO!**

26. Tell Arya Murtagh thinks leather makes her look fat and he expected her to be more pretty when he found out she was an elf.

"Hey Ary, if you come over here I'll tell you a secret."

"Is it the kind of secret that will cause me to lie awake at night sobbing my eyes out?"

"Not really, but it will probably cause some irreparable harm to someone."

"Tell me."

-5 minutes later-

"I'LL (censored)-ING KILL HIM!"

27. Lock him in a room with Eragon and Roran. Come back in 1 day to see the outcome.

Murtagh woke up in a small room with red wallpaper. He had no idea why it was red. Maybe someone was really angry when they chose the colour for their room. He didn't really care tooo much about his wallpaper though because he had just caught sight of who else was in the room.

"MURTAGH YOU TREACHEROUS WEASEL!" Roran got up and ran towards him with Eragon sort of trailing behind looking unsure of himself.

"Please don't eat me!" he curled up in the corner and started crying.

Roran and Eragon stopped and stared at the mighty red rider crying like a baby.

"Tameera?"

"Definitely."

**A/N: Nothing much to say. Hey, Murty got tortured, so I hope you're all happy.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Read it, I'm too boring to have anything to say.**

21. Laugh and point whenever you see Eragon and Arya together. Or Eragon and Angela.

"So, how old exactly are you, Angela?"

"Didn't you ever hear that is was impolite to ask a lady about her age?"

"Nope," Eragon replied obliviously. Angela rolled her eyes, just as she glimpsed a girl walking parallel to the two of them.

"Um, Eragon… you might want to-"

Enter Tameera.

"Heehee, you guys are so cute together! Heeheehee! Why haven't you two gone out yet?"

Angela and Eragon exchanged horrified looks.

"Tameera, have you been visiting the shipping thread in a forum?"

"Yes, why?"

"Quick Eragon, hit her over the head!"

"Wait, what?" Tameera was promptly bludgeoned into unconsciousness with a large stick.

"Phew. Good thinking."

-spell/ mis-pronounce his name constantly. See if he screams.

"Hey…why is this letter addressed to 'Eregan'? What the he- Oh."

"Hiya Erageen!"

"Wh-what?"

"How's it going, Deragon?"

"Tameera, my name's Eragon. You've been torturing me for the last two or three months."

"Really, Erogin? I could've sworn it was Eragam."

"Just…stop talking. Please."

23. Creep into his tent at night. Scream "Galbatorix" and watch him flail awake. Post the results on YouTube.

"You're sure the camera's prepped?" Tameera's assistant nodded happily. "Alright, into the dragon's den. Ha, I made a pun. Aren't I witty?" Not waiting for an answer, she strode into the tent. Eragon was sucking his thumb in a corner on his cot. It was actually a marvel that he was able to still sleep. I'm thinking it's either because he's stupid or not paranoid enough yet. Probably the former.

The assistant carefully, quietly set up the camera next to the dragon rider's sleeping form. She gave Tameera a thumbs up.

Tameera leaned in close to his ear and…

"HELP, IT'S GALBATORIX!"

Eragon jumped up from his cot, eyes wide. He grabbed his sword and swung reflexively at Tameera.

"Holy crap! Dude! Cool it! Ow, that was my ear! What the heck?" Tameera was holding her ear and looking extremely pissed off. "I mean, I understand that you'd be surprised and everything, but to randomly whing your sword at everything in the immediate vincity… It's not like Galbatorix'd be right here in your tent, you spaz. You hurt my frakking ear, too. How rude!"

With that, she grabbed her camera-person and ran out of there, leaving a confuzzled and bemused Eragon standing there with brisingr hanging limply from his hand.

"Did…did she just accuse _me _of being rude?"

24. Embaress him in front of all the Varden.

ERROR. [INSERT HILARIOUS SEQUENCE OF EVENTS INCLUDING TEDDY BEARS, TEARS, TRUFFLES, AND TEA. NOT THE LETTER. THE DRINK. YEAH. THIS EVENT WAS TOO AWKWARD FOR THE SITE TO POST.]

Yep. That was sure funny. Wait-how am I writing this? Oh, god DAMMIT!

25. Dye all his clothing bright hot pink.

Eragon got up and stretched. Ahh, it was a beautiful day, the birds were singing, the sun was shining, and the Varden's soldiers were hurling themselves to horrid, grisly, way-too-graphic-for-the-rating-on-this-fic, deaths. Yep. A beautiful morning, and, other than Tameera's appearance yesterday, all was good in the world. Eragon crossed his tent to his clothes chest, rubbing his eyes as he opened the lid. The he looked again in the chest. Then he rubbed his eyes again.

"Oh bloody hell."

Every single article of clothing in the clothes chest was a horrible, unicorn-puke shade of pink.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Seriously, who actually reads these things?**

26. Show him this list.

"So, why have you kidnapped me this time?"

"Read."

"Oh for the love of-"

*SMACK*

"Just read it!"

"Okay, okay, just put the fish down!"

-20 minutes later… Eragon's a slow reader, isn't he?-

"You aren't…really going to do all that to me, are you?"

"Seriously, why do you even tell yourself that? Really."

"But… Why?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"YES!"

"Too bad."

27. When he faints dead away, put make up on him.

Pretty self explanatory.

And thus ends Eragon's share of torture. Shall we move onto his half-brother? Yes. We should.

28. Sign him up for counseling. If you can, get Dr. Phil or Oprah.

"So, Mr. Morzansson, how does all this make you feel? Do you believe your childhood may have influenced your present choices?

Murtagh glared at the doctor with bloody murder in his eyes. "Dude, my father was abusive. My mother loved my younger brother more than me. I was raised by a psycho for a good portion of my life. My only friend and teacher is dead. Do you think that maybe, _juuust _maybe, this could have a negative effect on my life? Maybe? And now, just to be the icing on the cake, I'm being stalked by fangirls and lunatics constantly. I mean, for the love of god, no one other than Edward Cullen deserves that!" 

"Hey, I take offense at being called a lunatic!" Tameera yelled from the studio audience. 

"OH MY GOD, HOW DID SHE GET IN HERE? WHO LET HER IN?"

"Oh, I did. She offered me some gummy bears."

"DAMN YOU! I HOPE YOUR GUMMY BEARS GET ATTACKED BY NINJAS!"

29. Sneak around the castle suspiciously and give him dark, plotting glances. See how long it takes him to crack and ask what you're doing. Answer "Planning your unfortunate and untimely demise". Watch him twitch uncontrollably

"Um…Tameera…Why are you glaring at me like that?"

"You killed my father!"

"Wait, what? Since when?"

"You are now a dead man, Murtagh Morzansson. Dead."

"But I didn't do anything! Why- …what are you doing?"

Tameera had sat down, pen in hand. She was furiously writing something down on a curiously out of place bright purple sticky note.

"I'm planning your horribly painful, drawn out death. I'm currently deciding between drowning you in compost or forcing you to watch the Eragon movie."

"You already made me watch the Eragon movie."

"Oh, I did? Compost is it then."

"Dammit."


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: It's Islanzadi's turn…**

1. Call her "Ozlanzadi" and sing "We're off to see the Wizard" whenever she walks by you.

"OH, WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD, THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ! BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAAAUUUSE BECAUSE!"

Islanzadi spun around to face the origin of the unholy noise. There, grinning at her, was a teenaged human girl.

"Hello, Ozlanzadi! Can you give me a brain?"

Islanzadi looked at her uncomprehendingly. How on earth had a _human _gotten into Ellesmera?

It then occurred to her and she began to grab for the nearest blunt, heavy object she could find. "You're an Authoress! Noooo!" She had heard of horrible, ungodly things happening to important figures in Alagaesia, like Eragon or Murtagh. They were always caused by the appearance of a young female human who seemed to exist solely to cause chaos. (You'd be amazed at how common these girls are. It's no wonder she knew of them.)

"Why yes, I am an authoress. My name's Tameera. How nice of someone to recognize me for what I am, even though it means breaking the fourth wall."

"But why are you annoying me? I'm not important! No one else ever annoys me!"

"Exactly. You've had it too easy. You'll be fresh. Plus, I don't like your endless rules and traditions, so I get the added bonus of being able to teach you to loosen up a bit. Anyway, watch out for That Guy Over There. Ciao!"

"Nooooo!"

2. During Christmas, paint Ellesmera bright shades of red and green.

Tameera picked up the large paintbrush and started to slop painfully red paint on a nearby tree. Even though it was the end of February, she mumbled "Jingle Bells" under her breathe as she worked.

"Oh, dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis, over the hills we go, crashing into trees, ow ow ow!"

It was the revised version.

Anyway, she mentally calculated just how long it would take someone to notice her current actions. About 5 seconds was the initial estimate.

-5 seconds later (dang, she's good)-

"Argh! What are you doing?"

"What does it look like? I'm painting, of course."

"On… the... trees?"

"…Well, you didn't have any paper."

3. Peer at her and say "I thought elves were a lot smaller".

Islanzadi walked through the gardens cautiously. Despite having given orders for her not to be let in, she was still nervous about the appearance of Tameera. Smart of her. Naturally, around the next corner was the afore-mentioned menace to sane society. She seemed to be… chewing on a flower. Oh, wait, sorry, it was a piece of gum. My bad.

Ahem. Anyways….

"Oh good! There you are! Hold still a sec." She grabbed a tape measure from a pocket in her sweater. "Can you hold this?" Islanzadi, correctly predicting horrid things if she didn't comply, held the end of the tape measure for her.

After a while, "Hmm, this is very odd. According to my calculations and the Brothers Grimm, you should be seven inches tall, not 6''3. This must mean…. Oh god, my book of fairy tales isn't true! My entire life has been a lie!"

With that, Tameera randomly ran off crying, leaving behind a very confused Islanzadi, who was still holding the tape measure.

4. Tell her Arya got kidnapped by Galbatorix. Again.

"My lady, this… girl, demanded we allow her in on the grounds that she has some very important news for you."

"Yes, yes, what is your news, Authoress?"

"I do have a name, you know."

"Fine, _Tameera. _What do you want?"

"Only to tell you that your only daughter and heir has been kidnapped by the king-of-questionable-sanity again. But, I suppose it isn't _too _important-"

"WHAT?"

"Wow, good reaction. Also, it was completely Eragon's fault in every way, shape, and form."

"HOW!"

"Um… give me a minute, I'm still working on that part."

5. Tell her on how Eragon feels about her daughter.

Fairly self-explanatory. It was pretty much the regular parental reaction, only about 27 times worse. Yeah. That bad.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: I'm feeling merciful and decided to finally update. Please forgive me and put down the torches and pitchforks. :P I own nothing recognizable. Also, this takes place before the elves leave for war in Brisingr.**

6. Burp at the table. Loudly.

"So yes, I believe that green _is _a nicer colour for a dragon egg than yellow, no matter what the fans say. Glaedr was gold, which could count as yellow. Plus, Christopher Paolini has indeed confirmed it will be green. Ah, breaking the fourth wall is so much fun! Almost as fun as croquet! Or checkers! What do you think, my Queen?"

"What? Oh, sorry, indeed." Izlanzadi was mentally jumping off a cliff. And maybe dragging all her Elvin councilors with her.

Luckily, before the_ phenomenally _important meeting could go on…

"!"

"Oh, how horrid!"

"Wretched human girl!"

"Beastly!"

"Who the hell let _her _in?"

"Guards! Guards!"

Mysteriously, no one had any idea who had let Tameera into the hall. Or at least, no one was admitting to having done it.

7. Ask her how old she is.

[Explosion]

8. Inquire as to whether her ears are real or not. Poke them suspiciously when she says they are.

Yada, yada, yada, a whole bunch of crap describing Izzy's current position and mood. Let's skip to the good stuff, shall we?

"Are you _sure_ they're real? They look plasticky to me."

"For the 369148th time, I am certain! I was born this way! And stop poking my ears with that sti- OUCH, YOU LITTLE BEAST, GODSDAMMIT, I'M BLEEDING!"

The Queen of Elves quickly ran off clutching a bloody ear, presumably to find a bandaid. Or a leaf, or something. Wait... couldn't she just use magic? Ahhhh, plot inconsistancies! Noooo! Ahem. Sorry about that. On with the fic.

9. Clap your hands after she says something.

"To continue our remarkably important and not-monotonous discussion about all those silly pet theories rabid fans have dreamed up, the next rider will probably not be Roran, on the grounds that he's married, the only non-magical action hero, and completely batshit insane."

(Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap)

"But Christopher has stated that the next rider will be someone who's been in all the previous books…"

"And your point is? Lots of characters are recurring!"

(Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap)

"But Roran's Special!"

"Shut up, for the love of our non-existent gods, just shut up!" For a moment, dead silence consume the hall.

(Clap-clap-cla-

"**That goes for you especially!"**

"...Meanie."

10. Speak the ancient language, being sure to use atrocious grammar and absolutely no sentence structure.

"Atra brisingr hlaupa du fyrn skulblaka."

"I do beg your pardon?"

Se mor'ranr ona dvergar!"

"What?"

"Du draumr kopa letta orya thorna wiol adurna!"

"…Screw you."

Translation of Ancient Language:

(May fire run the dragon war)

(May you find dwarves)

(The dream stare stop those arrows for water)


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Yayzers, another chapter. Holy snapdradons! They've announces that book four is called Inheritance and will be released in nov 2011! There's cover art and everything! Hallelujah. Thank you Christopher Paolini, you slow bastard, you. It had better be worth it. I don't know about you guys, but my jaw nearly broke, I was smiling so much when I heard about it. My family thinks there's something wrong with my face now. Also, my take on what the Elves do all day is argue incessantly about book four. It explains why they're all so easily annoyed. A virtual elf plushie if anyone can spot the extremely obscure reference to Xana's Twilight Princess Abridged series. Yes, I know number fourteen is cruel. **

11. In the middle of a supremely important council, burst in with a large rock screaming "I found a dragon egg!" at the top of your lungs.

"…Did you know that Christopher Paolini's favourite Fan theory is the one about Angela being Galbatorix in disguise?"

Several elves either snickered in an Elfy way, or cracked up laughing in a very un-Elfy way. Hey, that sounded a bit like 'Healthy' and 'Unhealthy'! Please pardon that, I couldn't resist pointing it out, sorry, moving on.

"No way! That's ridicu-… wait a second. That has to be one of the scariest and messed-up theories there are. Why would he disguise himself as an eccentric, female Herbalist? That's pretty damn twisted."

"Well, maybe Galbatorix just is a truly sick, sadistic bastard who enjoys watching the Varden and Eragon struggle. After all, we haven't seen hide nor hair of him for the last three books. I'll bet, if this theory is true, he laughs himself to sleep."

Just as Islanzadi was about to ans-"BAMMITY!". (Dammit, I wasn't finished _talking _yet!)

"I FOUND A DRAGON EGG!"

Maybe 30 voices suddenly went "_What!"_

Tameera strode triumphantly into the room, holding high a rough, boring-looking rock that _might _barely count as egg-shaped. Barely. As in, by the smallest margin possible.

I'll let you imagine just how well that went over.

12. Show her a copy of Grimm's fairy tales. Force her to read it.

"Read it."

"Why?"

"Because unspeakably eldritch events shall occur if you don't."

"Good enough reason for me."

-2 hours later (it could take more or less, I suppose, depending on which version she read…)-

"What…the fuck…."

Tameera grinned at her. Kind of like a shark.

13. Replace all her clothes with jeans and a t-shirt.

"What on Algaesia… are these garments?"

"Jeans and t-shirts. Hey, just be thankful they aren't skinny jeans and spaghetti straps. Or worse, mini-skirts and platform shoes. At least these are comfortable."

"But it's not dignified! They're tunics and trousers! I'm the Queen!"

"Doesn't that mean you're able to do whatever you want?"

"Well… yes, technically… But it's not right!"

"Not right? You want to know what's not right?" Islanzadi tried to interrupt and say something probably very silly. Tameera hurried on. "What's not right is when a polar bear tries to eat a lamp. Just trust me on this. It's pretty bizarre. Kind of like that time when the tomatoes my sister was growing turned into little pink flesh-devouring bunnies. Now _that _was pretty screwed up."

Islanzadi listened in horrified fascination.

14. Slip meat into her food by any means possible.

Everyone was enjoying a lovely, vegetarian meal when Tameera entered the hall. Most people just tried to continue on their conversations and not look like they were terrified but curious. The menace plopped herself in the conveniently appearing chair right next to the Queen of Elves, who turned an interesting shade of white. For roughly 15 minutes she quietly sat there, doing nothing saying nothing. Islanzadi started nursing the fragile hope that nothing out-of-the-ordinary was going to happen. Sucker.

She picked up a spoonful of what should have been vegetable soup, not looking at the spoon.

The next instant, she tasted something out-of-the-ordinary.

15. Make her give a speech about pet theories, (verifying them all), by threatening to tell everyone that she's really a spy for the empire.

The pointless but important looking meeting was still going on, beautiful elves arguing back and forth with little or no enthusiasm. Then, there was one of those sudden, random silences that have no discernable cause. Yes, you know the ones.  
Anyway, Islanzadi stood up, glancing wearily at a semi-hidden corner of the room where Tameera was grinning unpleasantly and rubbing her hands together in that stereotypical evil way. Why anyone does this, no one knows. Perhaps bad guys get cold easily. .

Sighing, Islanzadi stood up and went to the pedestal. "Greetings, Lords and Ladies [insert huge opening speech here]. Anyway, what I desire to discuss with you all this morning is the subject of book four theories. I hereby verify every single pet theory. Yes, that includes the one about Galbatorix being Angela."

There was dead silence for about twenty seconds, then everyone started yelling like hell.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: An update? Surely not, stop being silly. **

16. Call her Mon Mothma.

"IT'S A TRAP!"

Islanzadi looked wearily at Tameera, who had inexplicably gotten into the Queen's apartments. Despite the three dozen warding spells cast by all the available enchanters in the city.

"What's a trap?" The High and Mighty Queen of the Elves asked listlessly. She knew all too well what would happen if she didn't play along. She had had no idea dolphins could kick box like that… she still had cake mix all over one of her favourite robes.

"My dearest Mon Mothma, I am ashamed to hear you say such, a thing, after so many Bothans died to bring us this information."

"What information, the fact that it's a trap?"

Tameera shook her head in disbelief. "No, silly, the plans for the Death Star."

"The… huh… uh… what?"

"We must defeat the Empire!"

"Well yes, obviously, but I don't understand what Bothans and stars of death have to do with-"

"Excellent, I'll see you next Thursday." Tameera left the tent quickly, leaving a hopelessly confused Islanzadi behind her.

17. Moo mysteriously whenever she's around important people.

"Your highness, I still wish you'd further explain these new laws more thoroughly to the high court. Some of the nobles are getting restless."

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Well, I suppose, but I wish they wouldn't-"

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"I don't see why not. I'll try to-"

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Yes, please do s-"

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, SOMEONE REMOVE HER FROM THIS ROOM IMMEDIATELY!"

18. Mis-spell her name.

I think all of us have mis-spelled her name at one time or another (myself included), so this one isn't terribly funny. I'll even bet some of the elves can't spell it, and they're all bloody Sues. I mean seriously, what does this name even mean? It just sounds overly complex. It's like Christopher Paolini takes immense pride in being able to annoy the shit out of people with excessively long names. I can just see him at his computer, cackling as he comes up with yet another stupid-

_**BAM**_

[The Authoress apologizes for that narrator. They have been sacked. Permanently. _From life_.]

Guess what time it is, boys and girls? Yep, a Murty section! Oh, will the 'fun' ever cease? There's really only one funny number left, so that's it for him. Or is it…?

31. Run after him screaming like a maniac with Zar'roc. If he tries to escape on Thorn, hold it to his dragon's throat and threaten him.

"How the hell did you even get my sword?"

"Black magic and bribery."

"Should've known as much."

It was rather impressive that they were able to have this conversation and speed around the castle. Servants leapt out of the way with bored expressions as the two of them, depressed dragon rider and questionably sane young woman, ripped past them in a blur of red metal and madness. This had become the norm for them.

Their rather comical race had lead them outside, where a puzzled-looking Thorn was gazing at them with ruby eyes.

_What-_

_Fly! Now!_

_But-_

_Go!_

_But what about-_

_No! Shut it! FLY!_

Too late. Tameera had Zar'roc at Thorn's throat. He looked, if possible, even more confused.

_Murtagh, what the hell?_

_*sigh* I told you to fly._

_Screw you._

Thorn shook himself like a dog, throwing Murtagh dangerously close to a thick-trunked tree.

"Oww…"

_Serves you right._

"Hello? I'm supposed to be torturing your rider, do you mind at all?"

Thorn considered for about two seconds.

_Yeah, all right._


End file.
